


The Way I Spoke To You

by Name_Pending



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Focus on Mary and Castiel, Gen, Hurt Castiel, Protective Mary Winchester, Season/Series 12, Very Light Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 13:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13881720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Name_Pending/pseuds/Name_Pending
Summary: Mary feels terrible for the way she spoke to Castiel. She wants to make it right, but she’s still not entirely sure how to speak to the angel. Set between 12x09 and 12x10.





	The Way I Spoke To You

The bunker didn’t feel like home, but it was a hell of a lot better with Sam and Dean back. Mary had been back there once while the boys were held prisoner by the FBI, and it had been almost unbearable. Having Castiel there hadn’t helped at all.

After she and Castiel had found the boys, Mary had almost died. She’d been willing to go with the reaper, Billie, to save her children. No matter what their relationship was, they were her boys and she wasn’t about to let them die.

Castiel had saved her, though; saved _them_. She had no idea what would happen now, but ‘cosmic consequences’ didn’t sound good. Sam seemed concerned, and Dean was outright pissed. She was grateful, though.

She still wasn’t used to this new century, this new world, and she wasn’t sure she liked any of it. There was a part of her that just wanted to return to her heaven, where her family - the family she remembered, her two sweet little children - had always been there. Yet she had already found that she would not return there willingly, not yet. Not until it was her time. If she was back, then she was going to make the most of it. After all, her children may not be children any longer, but they were her sons all the same.

She was glad that Castiel had given her the chance to stay here with them. Especially since she didn’t deserve any favours from the angel.

It was something that she had thought about on and off for the whole journey back to the bunker. She wasn’t sure she’d stay there longer than a single night, but she was the only one with a car and she knew the boys would want her to take them back home.

She’d driven the whole way. The journey was quiet - everyone was tired and wrapped up in their own thoughts - and she was glad for the small distraction that driving provided. Her thoughts were messed up enough.

Sam had dozed most of the drive, nodding off intermittently beside her. Dean, behind his brother in the car, had been more alert but quiet - she’d gotten the distinct impression that he would have grabbed Castiel and screamed at him if she and Sam hadn’t been there. Castiel, next to Dean in the backseat, had been silent and seething.

Mary herself had just ignored all of them, needing to think. At first she’d been preoccupied with the fact that she finally, _finally_ , had her boys back. But then her mind had begun to wander, and it always seemed to end up back with the talks she and Castiel had had while the boys were missing.

They’d been about everything and anything, those talks, but mostly about the boys. Those talks had been underwritten with loss and worry for both of them, but Mary had always been vaguely aware - even if she hadn’t wanted to be - that her words weren’t underwritten by self loathing the way the angel’s were.

Cas had mentioned more than once that it was his fault the boys were lost. Mary knew that _she_ had mentioned that, a couple of times, and she’d only ever apologised for it once. Cas had shut her apology down, and it had turned into Cas describing a hunt he’d failed to finish. Mary had meant it when she’d said they could go back together to finish it, but deep down she’d known Cas wouldn’t accept her offer. She’d known she would be faster alone anyway.

And so she hadn’t pushed him on it, had just nodded and left the bar. She’d finished the hunt and only called him to say it was done.

She’d blamed him. There was no way to get around it. She’d blamed Cas for what happened to Sam and Dean, and though she’d tried to apologise it wasn’t enough. Cas still blamed himself.

Cas had blamed himself from the moment it happened and she knew it. She wondered if he had come to her for some absolution, or failing that some _empathy_ , and she knew that she’d failed to give it.

It hadn’t really sunk in at the time - she’d been too consumed with trying to find her boys - but God had it sunk in now. As she drove along that dark road far too fast she felt the guilt really sink in and now that it had she was surprised it hadn’t earlier despite her prior concerns. She felt _terrible_.

She knew the angel had never felt entirely comfortable around her. For him to bare his soul to her like he had, on more than one occasion, Cas must have been feeling incredibly lost and vulnerable. He’d reached out to her in the hopes that she would reassure him, that she’d be kind to him. He’d hoped she’d _give a damn_ , and she honestly hadn’t.

 _Stop making excuses_ , she’d snapped at him.

She hated herself for it. Her motherly instincts were clearly severely rusty if she could so brutally turn away someone who so desperately needed some comfort.

Cas was important to her sons and that should make him important to her. She’d gotten to know him a little better during these past six terrible weeks, and for the first time had glimpsed the real Castiel, the person behind the big bad angel persona that until now she’d been unable to see past.

And she’d rejected him so completely.

Her apology had been singular and hollow and he’d known it. That was why he’d rejected her the way that she’d rejected him - their methods were even the same, with both of them attacking Castiel as being not good enough.

No wonder Cas was so upset tonight. He’d given everything for her and the boys and got nothing back, not even from her, and she was a _mother_. It was her damn job to know when someone needed a little bit of tender love and care, and if Cas was so important to her children then her love for them could - should - extend to him.

She glanced in the rear view mirror. Cas was looking out the window with a pinched expression on his face, like he was barely restraining his anger; he looked better than he had standing over the fallen reaper but still noticeably upset. He and Dean were studiously avoiding one another as best they could in the confines of the car.

That reaper deal had hurt Cas, and Mary wondered if this was a common thing for the angel, if he was used to the Winchesters hurting him or not caring that he wasn’t okay. It was obvious he wasn’t - it had been obvious when he’d spoken to her and she had seen it but she hadn’t taken it on board, and now it was too late. He’d brushed off her apology because he’d seen that she didn’t care if he wasn’t okay.

Mary’s hands clenched around the wheel. She needed to fix this, and she didn’t want to have this talk in front of Sam and Dean, especially not with Cas and Dean so obviously pissed at each other. No this would have to wait until they got back to the bunker.

 

/

 

Her boys seemed surprised that she chose to stay. It wounded her a little - even after they’d been locked away for six weeks and she’d missed them and worried for them, both had clearly been expecting her to drop them off and drive away.

It added to her burden; she’d hurt them both so badly. There was nobody in this goddamn bunker she hadn’t hurt.

She would deal with the angel first, though. That conversation, she hoped, would be easier than the one she’d eventually have to have with her sons. She had no idea what to say to Dean or Sam. At least she knew what she had to say to Cas.

Mary fried up some greasy food while the boys showered and dressed and unwound. She was just putting the food onto plates when they joined her in the kitchen, freshly washed and looking much more like themselves. Both looked exhausted, but her motherly instincts hadn’t abandoned her entirely and she was determined to get some food in them before they collapsed for the night.

Both her boys were quiet while they ate, Sam tense and tired and Dean wired and angry. Mary didn’t say anything; it would be best for them to relax before she tried.

Nobody mentioned the empty seat at the table.

Castiel had shoved open the car door the second they’d arrived at the bunker and stalked off on his own, presumably to hide in his bedroom or the library. Dean had looked like he’d intended to follow him - to yell at him, maybe - but Sam had stopped him with a hand on his arm and then they’d all gone their separate ways.

Mary had hoped that Cas would join them in the kitchen. Cas didn’t eat the way humans did, but he could if he wanted to. He’d told her once - before the boys were taken and she messed everything up - that the molecules tasted strange but different foods were structured differently and it was interesting to try them. She’d hoped Cas would join them but clearly he was too upset, or maybe too angry. She didn’t know.

She didn’t know Castiel well enough to tell, and that was her own damn fault. Cas had tried to open up to her and been shot down and she couldn’t blamed him for not trying twice.

The guilt was quickly overriding her relief at having her boys back now that they were home and safe, and Mary was selfishly glad when they both finished eating and retired for the night. She hugged them both and kissed their cheeks, and prayed that they’d forgive her if she was gone the next morning. She knew that she wouldn’t stay long, but one night wasn’t too much to ask. Whether or not she felt welcome, though, depended a little on how her talk with their resident angel went.

She steeled herself for the talk that she really didn’t want to have and knew she really needed to have, and went to find Castiel.

 

/

 

She found the angel in his rarely used bedroom, where he was sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed with clenched fists and closed eyes. The door was ajar and looked like it might have been shut with enough force that it bounced off the frame.

Mary knocked on the open door. “Castiel?”

The angel looked up, fists unclenching and the angry look on his face fading. “Mary.”

“Everything okay?”

“Everything is fine.” He paused, like he was expecting her to leave. “Did you need something?”

“Yeah. Um … listen, Castiel, I ...” Mary sighed and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind her. “Thank you. For helping me find my boys.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry it took so long. I should have found them sooner.”

Mary’s eyes shut involuntarily, her expression pained. The angel’s automatic reaction was viciously self-deprecating and she understood that but she didn’t like it.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Cas” she said quietly, stepping closer. “I meant it. _Thank you_. Without you, I would’ve died tonight. Again. In front of my boys.”

Cas glanced up at her but he looked away quickly. “I meant it, too. I refuse to let any of you die.”

Mary nodded, and bit her tongue as she tried to figure out what to say now. God, she hadn’t thought this through. She knew what she had to say but she didn’t know how to say any of it. She was a hunter; she was good at saying the right things for scared victims and the police, but heartfelt conversations like this were somewhat out of her comfort zone.

Her training as a hunter hadn’t prepared her for this. But maybe her training as a mother had.

“Cas, can we talk?”

“Of course.” The angel looked like he didn’t want to talk at all. “What about?”

“The way I spoke to you.”

Blunt but effective and straight to the point. Mary sat next to Castiel at the edge of the bed, keeping a respectable foot of distance between them.

Castiel seemed confused.

“When the boys were missing” Mary clarified. “You told me what had happened and I … I told you to ...”

“To stop making excuses” Cas finished.

Mary cringed. “Yeah.”

“You were right.” Cas met her eyes. “I should have been there to help them. If I had been ...”

“You would’ve been taken, too. And then you wouldn’t have been here to help me find them.”

“I don’t think it would have made a difference” Cas said, and he smiled at her sadly. “You didn’t need my help to find them. Without your connections in the British Men of Letters we would have been too late.”

The words hung between them and suddenly the room was incredibly tense. Castiel was right - if Mick and Ketch hadn’t gotten involved, they would have been too late to stop Billie from reaping one of the boys. Mary was thankful that the angel had saved her life, but she would give her life in a second for her sons.

“I still needed you” Mary said quietly, inching a little closer to the angel. “You kept me sane these last six weeks, Cas.”

“I didn’t do anything” Cas snapped, and the anger from earlier was seeping back into his voice. “I couldn’t get Crowley to help us, I couldn’t find Sam and Dean, I couldn’t even finish a simple vampire hunt!”

“Cas, that hunt...”

“You shouldn’t have had to go and clean up my mess.”

“I didn’t. I went and finished a hunt. You should have come with me, I could’ve used your help.”

“You didn’t need my help, Mary. That much was painfully obvious.”

Mary nodded, knowing she couldn’t argue with that. The truth was that the hunt she’d finished for the angel had been very simple, a quick and easy vamp nest, and the trained hunter in her wasn’t sure why Cas had had any trouble with it.

She had enough grace not to say it, though. She wasn’t about to kick the guy when he was down.

But she had no idea what the hell she was _supposed_ to say.

An awkward silence passed between them for long enough that Mary started fidgeting and wondering if this had been a bad idea. She didn’t want to give up, though. Castiel didn’t look uncomfortable with the silence like she did, but he did look pissed off and miserable.

Still, just sitting here wasn’t going to accomplish anything. She decided it was probably best to be direct. From what she’d seen Castiel didn’t always respond to subtle cues and hints.

“Cas, I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I’m sorry.”

“I know. You told me, remember?”

“Yes. And I also remember that you blamed yourself.”

The angel didn’t respond, just kept staring at the wall in front of them. Mary sighed and reached out to put her hand on his shoulder.

“It wasn’t your fault. I should have drummed that into you earlier.” She squeezed his shoulder. “It really wasn’t, Cas.”

“It really was” Cas said, like that ended the conversation.

“No, it _wasn’t_.”

“I’d like to stop talking about this now.”

“Yeah, well, tough.” She pulled at his shoulder and made him turn his head to face her. “This is what I wanted to talk about, Cas. Listen, I know what I said to you and it was unfair.”

“It was perfectly fair. Mary, I don’t expect you to apologise. You said nothing that wasn’t true.”

“Castiel ...”

“You don’t owe me anything, Mary, but thank you for taking the time to come here. And I’d like you to leave now.”

Under normal circumstances Mary would have listened and left, but not now. Not when someone who she should consider family was so clearly hurting, not when she’d contributed to that hurt.

“Sorry, Castiel. I can’t leave just yet.”

“Why?”

“Because I shouldn’t have said what I said. I shouldn’t have blamed you. And I’m not leaving until you know that I’m _sorry_.”

“I know you are, Mary. I accept your apology, as unnecessary as it is.”

“That’s not good enough, Cas!” she burst out, frustrated with the knowledge that she wasn’t getting through to him. “I don’t want you to keep blaming yourself.”

Cas looked down and didn’t reply.

Mary’s shoulders slumped. “Cas. What can I do to get it through your head that I don’t blame you for anything?”

Cas just shook his head.

“You’re used to this, aren’t you?” Mary whispered. “You’re used to letting us walk all over you.”

Another silence passed but this time she didn’t break it with words.

Instead she acted on her ingrained motherly instincts, praying they’d help this time. She scooted forward so she was sat right beside the angel and reached out to wrap her arms around him. She kept her grip relatively loose, trying not to make him feel trapped. Castiel didn’t pull away from her but he didn’t respond in any way; it seemed like he was just letting her do as she liked.

He was more broken that she’d imagined and somewhere deep inside she knew that this wasn’t all her. She couldn’t have caused an angel this much pain with only her words. This kind of hurt … it went far deeper and had been there for far longer.

“They’ve done the same before, I’m assuming” Mary said quietly, finding it somehow easier to talk now that she couldn’t see Castiel’s pained expression. “My boys. They’ve hurt you.”

“They’re my family” Cas said quietly, his voice strained.

“Family are the ones that hurt the most” Mary said firmly. “Have they said sorry?”

“They’ve never needed to. The times they’ve … not been there for me, they had no reason to be there. I’ve made mistakes, Mary. Mistakes you can’t imagine. Sam and Dean have left me to my own devices before, but I forced them into that position.”

Mary tightened her grip on the angel a little. No matter what happened, you should be there for family. Even - _especially_ \- when they were fucking things up and needed someone to let them know that they still cared.

“They hurt you tonight. They hurt us both tonight.”

Cas didn’t say anything. This time she knew it was because he couldn’t disagree. He’d definitely been hurt by their little reaper deal, the same way she had.

“Thank you for saving my boys” Mary whispered.

“You’re welcome.”

“They’re grateful. Even if they don’t show it.”

“They never do” Cas whispered bitterly.

Mary tightened her grip again and moved one hand to rub the angel’s back. The second she did Castiel slumped into her embrace, the tension leaving him. He seemed defeated, and she closed her eyes, pained, as she realised that he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“I’m so sorry, Castiel” she whispered.

Cas wound his arms around her tightly, and the way he clung to her told her that it had been a long, long time since anyone had said that and meant it.

Mary rubbed his back and raised her other hand to stroke the hair at the nape of his neck, a comforting gesture she’d learned in her first years as a mother. Cas responded to it as well as Dean had as a young boy, though he was quieter.

“I don’t just mean for what I said” she continued. “I mean I’m sorry that we don’t … if we make you feel like we don’t appreciate you. I know my boys do.”

“They’ve done nothing wrong” Castiel replied, but his voice was strained and bitter, and Mary knew from experience that nobody’s voice got like that unless they were on the verge of tears.

“We’ve all done something wrong, Cas” Mary said quietly. “I get the feeling you get your nose rubbed in it, though.”

Cas tensed in her arms and that was answer enough.

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“What question?” Cas asked.

“Do they say they’re sorry?”

Cas hesitated and he dropped his head onto her shoulder as he whispered “occasionally.”

“And how often should they?” she probed.

“They never have to ...”

“That’s not what I meant, Cas.”

“They’re your sons, Mary. I don’t want to ...”

“Say anything bad about my boys” Mary finished. “Cas, you’re family to them. That makes you family to me. Now talk to me.”

Cas hesitated again but then he did start speaking, quietly and slowly as if he wasn’t sure he was allowed to. “They say they’re sorry. I don’t deserve it all the time. My mistakes, Mary … they’re unforgivable. Sam and Dean forgive me, even when they shouldn’t. But ...”

“Go on, Cas.”

“Sometimes I … I try to explain my actions and they don’t listen. They don’t mean to be unfair, Mary. They just don’t always understand. I’m an angel. I see things differently. And sometimes they ...”

“They forget you’re not human?”

“I suppose” Cas nodded against her shoulder. “They don’t let me explain.”

Mary understood and she stroked the hair at the base of his skull. “You’re tired trying to explain and getting nowhere.”

Cas didn’t answer and Mary took that as confirmation.

A short silence passed before Cas murmured, “you’re very insightful.”

“A mother knows” Mary smiled. “Everybody knows that.”

“I wouldn’t know” Cas said. “I never had a mother.”

Cas had said it like it was just a simple fact, and to him she supposed it was, but it hit her hard. The being in her arms was ancient but he’d never known a mother’s touch. He was used to accepting all the bullshit his family dished out - the angels and the Winchesters, herself included - and never having anyone to care for him afterwards.

Had anyone done this for him before? Had anyone held him in their arms after a bad day, expecting nothing from him? She doubted it.

“Well, you’ve got me” she murmured, stroking his hair.

“Thanks.” The angel’s tone betrayed his complete lack of belief in her words.

“I mean it, Cas. You’re family. You’re important to my boys, you know that.” She paused to let him reply but he didn’t. She tried to inject some lightness to her tone but still let him know she was serious. “You can call me Mom if you want.”

Castiel didn’t say anything and Mary tried not to take it as a rejection. She’d been expecting that response but she didn’t have to like it.

“It’s okay, Cas. It’s okay if you’re mad at Sam and Dean. It’s okay if you’re mad at me for what I said.” She pulled back so she could look him in the eye. “And it’s okay if you’re not okay.”

Cas held her gaze for only a few seconds before he looked away, and she smiled faintly as she realised that his eyes were watery. He’d had a hell of a rough night and he could probably do with a good cry. She knew he wouldn’t, though, at least not in front of her.

“I’m _sorry_ , Castiel.”

And this time the angel just nodded. “Thank you.”

She smiled kindly at him. “You want another hug?”

Cas just returned her smile and leaned back into her embrace, this time winding his arms around her without hesitation. She held him tightly, and somewhere in the back of her mind she marvelled at the way this eons old creature fell into her arms like a child and trusted her the way her own children once had. It had never occurred to her before that Castiel was at all innocent, but she knew now that she’d been naive.

The two held onto each other for a while, the familial embrace becoming so comfortable and familiar that it started to feel like it wasn’t the first. By the time the angel pulled away, his eyes were dry but there were a couple of salty tracks down his face, and Mary’s heart broke for the way he could cry silently so he didn’t disturb anyone. Yet she also felt grateful that this real life angel trusted her enough to let his guard down even this much.

“You alright?”

“Yes.” Cas smiled and sounded like he almost truly meant it. “I’m fine.”

“Okay. In that case, it’s late. I should probably get to bed.”

“Will you leave tomorrow?”

Mary considered lying to him, the way she had already lied to Sam and Dean, but she decided against it. “I’ll leave early.”

Cas just nodded, not trying to stop her. “I’ll keep an eye on them.”

“Thank you.”

Mary stood, and at the last moment leant back down and pressed a warm kiss to the angel’s forehead, lingering there the way all mothers do.

When she straightened, Castiel was smiling up at her calmly and she found that she returned the smile with ease. Her guilt hadn’t abated, not fully, but this was helping. _She_ was helping, she was sure of it.

“Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Mary.”

Mary turned at the doorway and fixed him with her best ‘mom glare’. “ _Mom_.”

Cas chuckled and looked down. “Goodnight, Mom.”

Mary grinned at him and stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her.

Castiel would probably never call her that again, she realised, and certainly not without prompting. He didn’t want to intrude on Sam and Dean that way. But she was glad he’d been able to say it at least once, even if it was in fun.

It meant he trusted her, at least enough to accept that she cared about him, enough to let his guard down a little.

Mary knew that she’d leave early enough the next morning that her only goodbye to her boys would be a note, but it was okay. She’d come back for good one day, when all the monsters were gone, when she’d found her place in this funny new world.

She’d come back to her boys. All three of them.


End file.
